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General Notes: Which format you choose for rolls doesn't actually matter, they should just be consistent. "Roll+Wits" "Roll +Wits" Roll+ Wits" "Roll + Wits". All valid. I prefer the first, actually. Replace all " +" and "+ " with "+" a couple times if you concur! Lust is a linked word on the last couple things, but not elsewhere. Do you want this wiki style? Because if so, nearly every explanation is going to need at least a couple links. Otherwise, turn the Tease text to plaintext. Root "Moves": Roll 2d6, not roll a 2d6. X/Session means something can be done X times in a single session. X/Combat means something can be done X times in a single combat. Take +/-X in a skill means you must Roll +/- X when the conditions apply. (Also, what is "in a skill" in this context?) 6- rolls may include a GM penalty unless otherwise explicitly stated. (GM is not obligated to make a hard move, although they are certainly able to.) Basic Moves: Attack: "Swing your weapon" is actually really specific. "Make a melee attack" is probably more what we want. Medium/Slow has no :. Fast has a :. Doesn't matter which we choose, I suggest : for parsing clarity. "Either" is different language than PbtA usually uses, and than we use elsewhere. "Choose one:" is more typical. Volley: Avoid a direct counter-attack (unless in melee range) - What does this mean? Does this mean you cannot choose this option in melee range? Can you not volley in melee range? Volley's equivalence to Attack in moves makes me nervous as a systems analyst, but I'll have to revisit this later with specific concerns. Block: Third option: +1 to their next roll should probably be +1 Forward Defy Danger: Defy Danger can be used when you want to do something that's not covered by another. Such as pull a lever, or trip an enemy. Defy Danger can be used when you want to do something that's not covered by another move, such as pull a lever, or trip an enemy. Basic Magic: I have general issues with how this is laid out, but that's because I'm trying to read it like a tutorial more than a glossary. I'm imagining someone going "how does magic work? Let's look at the moves," and that's a Bad Call. Maybe a header about how they should read "Magic" to learn about how that works rather than reading moves? Cast: "enscolled" should be "enscrolled", I think? Enscrollment: Could use better language around spell schools, they're implied. Drawing from melee attack layout: Common Spells: Roll + Stat. Technical Spells: Roll + Speed. Creation Spells: Roll + Charm. Destruction/Natural Spells: Roll + Wits. "uses this turn" is kind of vague. "spell is cast this turn" is better. "Spell is cast immediately" is a little clearer imho. Unless I've misinterpreted this and what that means is "your entire turn is spent enscrolling." Two combat turns or five minutes feels WILDLY disparate. "No roll is required" is written right under the outcome of your roll. Leftover, or was that meant to refer specifically to the act of enscrolling the weapon rather than using it? And if so, why is it included in the description of cast? Upkeep: Same as above for format, but also, why is common not in the first one? Common Spells: Roll + Stat. Technical Spells: Roll + Speed. Creation Spells: Roll + Charm. Destruction/Natural Spells: Roll + Wits. This whole area about duration is ... iffy, given the way we decided to lay out time. There isn't a ton of space between "this lasts one move" and "this lasts all combat," because turns are problematic concepts. Basic Environment: I suggest putting Spout Lore and Discern Realities next to each other, and clarifying the difference between them. Namely, that one is about perceiving things around you and one is about recalling things you know. Obviously, investigations and such can be a fusion of the two and picking one can get blurry, but it's a rule of thumb. Take a Rest: The way your phrase roll is really, really awkward. Also, do we want resting to be a move? A move always carries the consequence of failure, which... I suppose is dramatic, but feels kind of... eh. Not articulate at this hour, but it feels like a thing I would abstract away. Discern Realities: This is the only basic move with perks listed on the page. They should either go elsewhere or be indented or something; they appear to be a whole new section at first glance. Phrasing of asking questions should be "Choose three:" It's ... honestly slightly less clear, but consistent? Basic Social: Aid doesn't seem like it belongs here. Helping is a relational thing, I get, but it's often used in very non-social situations by players. I might just move this up to Basic Moves. Hustle and Bustle: "You will need to wait or travel" - if it has an "or", it's probably two things. "You will draw unwanted attention or let others know." - Although this one seems pretty much fine, since those are the same consequence said differently. Interfere: -2 feels BRUTAL. /shrug Negotiate: "The GM will tell you if the creature can be reasoned with for that intent." - "The GM will tell you if the creature is open to that topic of negotation." (Soft suggestion, awkward.) If so: "brief" not "breif". The section on rolling is REALLY weird. Unique, so far. The GM sets a target range for the player to achieve, and marks a hit or miss. This feels VERY d20, and not very PbtA. I strongly suggest reconsidering this section and making it match everything else in terms of 7-9 consequence and 10+ success. The only reason not to is because you're afraid of having persuasive players talk their way out of every situation, which is what they're for. Parley: Seems like Negotiate-lite. Or vice versa. I'm grumbly about these being two moves, and if there's a distinct difference between them, clarifying it may be worthwhile. Basic Sexual: I have confusion here on the terms used. Take It implies being a bottom, but the description is really vague. Give It's description will /always/ satisfy Take It's description too. I feel like the dynamics at play here need some work, but that's a non-trivial editorial. Is unarmed damage still what we use for these? Take It: 10+ option needs a colon at the end. 7-9 option has a comma after the first colon. Sexual attack in the first option shouldn't be capitalized. Second option: "Avoid taking any additional debilities" would be prudent phrasing. I think we need a specific phrase regarding the consumption of Lust, and whatever it is, it should be used in place of "Lust damage included," which is kind of awkward. "Trigger lust damage," "consume lust," "burn lust," even just ", and add their Lust damage modifier." ALL LOWER MOVES: Choose X: (Needs a colon after.) Role Reversal: Missing . at the end of the description. "Sexual assault" should be "sexual attack". Setting aside that one of those things is a crime, it's inconsistent phrasing. We refer to them as attacks elsewhere. Give It: 6-: Suffer a consequence and choose one: Lust phrasing (see above) "Maintain the Lust held against the target." feels kind of non-sequitur. It relies necessarily on your having chosen an earlier option, and is otherwise never relevant. If nothing else, we should include that notion in there, something like "Maintain the Lust held against the target after doing your unarmed damage." Service: Rephrase. 10+: Remove a debility of your choice and all Lust from the person you are servicing and choose one: 7-9: Remove all Lust from the person you are servicing and choose one: (If you have three choices and two of them are "remove a debility," you don't actually have three choices.) Tease: This isn't editorial, but I like the idea that if you get 9-, you might arouse someone you don't intend to. >D I guess that's a 6- oh well you're at the end of the document you just have to read all these words now bla bla bla.